Technology...Baby

Having three kids with five years between the oldest and the youngest, I find it amazing how much technology has changed during the time in-between.  I now understand why our parents, 30 years removed from the rearing process, scoff at our fancy cribs and five-point-harness car seats.  They put us to sleep in drawers, strapped us to the dryer during nap time, and gave us Benadryl so we could nap on the floor mats during car trips.  This sort of practicality makes it difficult for them to comprehend the use of products such as Snugglies, Boppies, and Bumbos.  

Communication technology has simply exploded, leaving us parents to wonder if we should be valuing “quality” time over “quantity” of time.  With our first born, I felt a constant tug every moment at work of all the magical moments I was missing.  In this day of texting of messages, pictures, and videos, I can now get a stream of status updates via text message.  I can be walking down the hallway and find out my five-year old just smacked a friend, or sitting down to lunch and watch a video of my three-year-old telling me he has diarrhea.  Some days I could print out the pictures I receive and make a flip book.  More importantly, cell phones have helped streamline mommy and daddy “disagreements.”  These days you can argue, get a divorce, and remarry all without saying a word or leaving your workplace.

However, the advances in baby technology have turned out to be a double-edged sword.  One example is the transition of the baby swing.  Our first swing shook the baby back and forth violently and looked like a medieval torture device.   It was neither effective nor particularly safe, but the baby went unconscious just to escape its unfortunate predicament.  New swings glide two different directions at fourteen different speeds with lights and ocean waves all while cuddling your child in a soft papasan chair, and teaching them Mandarin Chinese.  This swing is brought to you by the makers of the technology for spit-grills and the hot dog-cookers at gas stations.  The downside is the outrageous battery consumption.   For 2 “D” batteries a day or approximately $15 a week you can put your baby into a deep sleep that doesn’t result in you popping a vertebrae out of alignment.   Any parent of a fussy child will tell you this is a bargain.  Two hours of sleep is worth at least $120 a day to a new and desperate parent.

Perhaps the best example of the love/hate relationship with baby technology is the so-called “Bouncy-Seat.”  This device will vibrate your baby into an instant coma.  If I could find a bed such as this without going to an hourly hotel, I would so be there.  While wonderfully effective, the ”Bouncy-Seat” will demand the sacrifice of your pinky toe every time you walk by.  Beware – this is not an exaggeration.  I swear that I will give myself three feet clearance as I walk around the possessed thing and it will still manage to pop out and snag my toe.  Even the kids are heard slamming to the floor and screaming as the “Bouncy-Seat’ takes its payment.  You can set it up high, put it in the other room, or place it upside down, but the “Bouncy-Seat’ will find a way to wishbone you.  Deal with it.  

New parents will find themselves cursing loudly and waking up the baby, thus canceling out any sleep-inducing benefit.  I knew there might be a problem when my five-year-old told me to put the baby to sleep in the “Son-of-a-Bitch.”  Experienced parents learn to control their pain and loss of toe in a zen-like way to achieve two hours of luxurious freedom.  Heck, most parents would lop off their own nose with a butter knife if that was what was required.  

Every parent will have to make their own decision regarding the blessings and curses of baby technology.  I have noticed at gathering of friends and family members with little ones that the crowd is generally divided into two groups: those who look deathly tired, and those will a smile on their face who are limping violently.  The choice is yours.